Long time, no see

4 Aug

Hey, everyone. I don’t know if anyone still reads this, I don’t know if anyone ever did. Of course I was lying when I said that I didn’t want people to read it. But I was lying to myself too, if that makes it any better.

I remember, when I first started this blog, it’s because I was all high and mighty about all the teen blogs that had been discarded. “I can keep it up!” I thought. “If I can’t read one, I’ll write one!” The thing is, with teenage life, you have to have both spare time and motivation, and the two have to over lap. Motivation is hard to come by these days, and hell if I’m gonna waste my spare time writing about my problems to the internet. I’d rather ignore them.

It got really bad a little while ago. In February, I broke down crying because school kept talking about future and I just didn’t see one for myself. I was crying in my room when my sister walked in. She left when I yelled at her to, that I was fine. Of course she told mum, who walked in and kept trying to get me to tell her why I was upset. But, if I’m entirely honest, I didn’t know. I didn’t work out that my future or lack thereof was what made me feel like shit for another 3 months. I finally convinced her that I was fine, and for the next week I cried at least once every second day. After that, it was at least once a day. Then, it was at least once but often two. I considered suicide. A lot. When I crossed roads, I prayed to nonexistent or merciless gods that I would get hit by a car. All the while, I tried not to let on how bad I was to my family and friends. I don’t know why. I suppose because I didn’t want to depend on anyone, because I thought I couldn’t.  It doesn’t matter. I can’t explain to you how bad that time was, how grey that world was. I had no anchors. I did sort out my religion though, or lack there of… Anyway I’m atheist, and proudly so.

Two weeks ago, the weekend before school came back from the midyear holidays, I had a panic attack. I’m not 100% sure that’s what it was, because I was alone. I can tell you that it was the worst feeling in the world. It was terrifying. I thought I was going to die, and I was scared. I think what brought it on was thinking about What if, when we die, we don’t just end? What if we get thrown into some endless void with nothing but our thoughts for company? No sight, no sound, no movement or feeling, just our consciousness floating through eternity. I don’t know about other people, but that thought makes me sick to the stomach with fear. In fact, there was more, but I’m so scared of bringing on another attack that I don’t dare. Anyway, it was so, so scary. It reached it’s peak around ten minutes in, and I slowly calmed down in the next ten minutes. During the attack, I finally admitted what I had been too scared to say for 6 months: I needed someone. I needed someone to depend on. I couldn’t be alone. It was awful, but I think it’s true. When I could breathe enough to get up briefly I grabbed my phone and looked up the symptoms of a panic attack. This was around midnight. I fit almost all of the symptoms and I was still having trouble breathing normally. I texted my friend, who answered. She helped me. Eventually I stopped shaking and I was just really tired, so I thanked her and said good night. I was trying to fall asleep when I realised: I like boys and girls. I’m bisexual.

I was on the bus with a friend, and we were talking about what sort of sciences were the best to take for the careers we wanted, despite the fact that it made me feel bad. I remember making a metal note to put up my music so my parents wouldn’t hear me when I got home. Then, a miracle happened. A very cute boy, about 21 years old, restored my faith in the existence of cute boys, humanity, and my own future. He helped me and my friend sort through all the shit schools shove down your throat about subjects and careers and all that shit. I decided that I want to do bio engineering. I never got his name. On the off chance he’s reading this, he was a third year bachelor of science student, let me say this: Thank you. I feel it isn’t an over-exaggeration to say that you saved my life. Of course life isn’t perfect, and school is still stressful, and the future is tough. But I can manage it, and it’s all thanks to you.

So, I guess life is starting to come together. It terrifies me. I’m sure it’s all going to go to crap. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and every time I feel just blissfully peaceful, I get this quiet feeling in the back of my head, terror, that it will end, that I’ll have another panic attack the relapse will be so bad. But it’s been half a week and nothing so far, and the relapse generally happens within 48 hours.

Of course, I left out some details, like how I used escapism, and all the good moments within the bad, and things like that. But you can’t include everything in life. That would be a much longer post.

I don’t see myself posting on here again. I just wanted to put down, somewhere, what happened.

So, possibly for the last time, I leave you.

Love,

Arkzuel

 

Dyspraxia is a gift and a curse. Mostly a curse.

12 Jan

Hehehe… It’s been a while, eh…? Sorry. It’s holidays! I’ve been so relaxed, it’s so nice. But unfortunately, that meant that I really wasn’t thinking about my blog. So yeah, I apologise.

Well! The last episode of Sherlock Season 3, His Last Vow, came out last night. I’ll probably watch it with dinner. I am ridiculously excited. Seriously, the last 2 have been brilliant. Ugh, I don’t want to be on hiatus again!

When I was 10, I was diagnosed with dyspraxia (no, not dyslexia). There was like some 8 page report and being 1o, I really didn’t want to read it. So, I’d tell people. And they’d say “What’s that?” but because I hadn’t read the report, all I could say was “It’s just this thing that means I can’t write neatly or have great coordination.” Well, for the past year now, (2013 included, ya little smart arse) I’ve wanted to read the report. Not because I thought it was anything other than my hands shaking a bit, but because I wanted to know why. Mum kept saying that she’d get it for me, but that went on for 6 months, so I eventually asked her where it was. She said it was in the bookshelf, but not to worry, she’d get it out while I was at school. Of course, she didn’t, and that went on for a while. Being the lazy arse that I am, I didn’t look in the shelf.
Now, yesterday I was feeling pretty crappy, you know, cause I couldn’t do arty things or play guitar or even remix music (I really want to try, but I can’t find any free websites :( if you know any, could you leave a link in the comments? I’d really appreciate it.) so I decided to look for that report. I searched high and low, eventually with my mums help. It wasn’t there. After all that, it wasn’t there. I was already feeling like crap, so I just sort of collapsed onto my bed, and perhaps sobbed a bit. :/ after trying to turn on my very old laptop to go on tumblr (and failing horribly, by the way), I realised something. INTERNET!!  So I went to my computer, and typed in “dyspraxia”. I don’t think I’ve cried so much in one day. Did mum even read my report?! So many things that I have issues with are caused by this thing!

Mum is always getting mad at me because I always forget to do stuff. But guess what. Yep, that’s caused by dyspraxia! I always had an inkling that the reason I always get my words muddled up and just dislike speaking is because of dyspraxia (and if it’s all the same to you I’m gonna call it prax now, cause it’s too long to type), but mum always said that it wasn’t, and that my prax wasn’t that severe. But it is! I was reading a forum and loads of people struggle with it. I’m pretty easily distracted, especially by noise, and I’m always getting told off for zoning out during a conversation. Thanks, prax! I also like to have something in my hands to fidget with, and it turns out that’s prax as well. Another memory thing is sequences, like dates and planning and instructions. There’s more, but they’re the main ones for me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s a couple of plus sides to dyspraxia as well. For instance, people with prax often have very active imaginations and are very creative. Apparently, we:

-Are very determined-Have a good long term memory. While we can’t remember instructions, we have a good long term memory and even a photographic memory
And a couple of other peices of crap about emotions or something. It’s a good website, and you’ ll find it here: http://alifewithdyspraxia.webs.com/whatisdyspraxia.htm

Thing is, yeah, I’m pretty creative. I often think of cool pictures to draw. But I can’t. I can’t and I hate that I can see something in my mind and not translate it to paper. It really, really sucks. I do write a fair few stories though, and so that’s pretty cool, but I don’t know if any of them are any good.

Sorry about all that… I just needed to vent and stuff. Also, apparently loud noises and stuff affect us badly. I don’t think I have it too bad, but if there is an unexpected loud noise, I struggle a bit.

Right well, sorry this post was mostly about dyspraxia… But I hope you learnt something. One of the most common, annoying things we hear is “Oh, do you mean dyslexia?” No I do not mean fucking dyslexia. THEY ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Haha… I’ll end this now.

Love,

Arkzuel

P.S. I’ll try to post more regularly, but no promises :P

Almost there…

21 Nov

13 DAYS LEFT!!! 

Phew! I can, truthfully this time, say that I have barely any homework. I feel so free! I almost don’t know what to do with myself! Notice that almost though. I’ve been going to the gym 3 times a week, and slowly but surely, I think my fitness is building up. It’s kinda cool to notice the small changes to my arms, legs and even my stomach a little bit. 

My stupid earphones broke, and now the feed to my right ear isn’t working! It feels really weird, and very annoying.

I went to Supernova the other day (my country’s version of Comic-con) (is that how you spell it?) and it was so fun! I went as Moriarty (from BBC Sherlock) and 4 people asked me for photos! it was pretty cool.

Now that the work has died down a bit, I can concentrate more on my stories. It’s been pretty fun. I have 10 (or more) I think, although one of them is only going to be a short story, and another two are (I’m hoping) going to be movie scripts. I’m, like, in love with my recent idea. It’s called “Melting Snow”. I’ve actually only written one of the middle-end scenes (it’s one of the movies), but I really love it. It’s a romance, sort of a love-to-hate scenario. 

I’ve entered myself in my friends “Shipping Games” on Wattpad, too. But we can’t start until we have enough people, so feel free to nominate! How it works is like this:
-You fill out a form that describes your character.
-My friend reads it and pairs you up with someone else who’s character will fit best with your own.
-You collaborate through Wattpad to write chapters of your love story

That’s it! I should probably mention that it’s in a Hunger Games setting. So there will be 11 other pairs competing with you. 

I’m really looking forward to the holidays, because it means I’ll be able to watch more Supernatural! I’ve watched the first season, and it’s so good! I can highly recommend it. 

Well, that’s all I can think of to write about. 
Have a brilliant rest of the day.

Love,

Arkzuel

 

 

 

Bloody Hell

31 Oct

Well, we’re in the final stretch of the year! For my school, at least, only 34 days left!!! Not that I’m counting…

Yesterday, as I was thinking about what I would post today, I was thinking about how I would be able to say that we had hardly any work, since it was the last term. Today, as I review that comment, I see it would now be a lie. I have an assignment in almost every subject! My friend is coming to sleep over tomorrow night, and staying til just before tea time on Saturday, so tonight and the rest of the weekend will have to be jam-packed full of homework.

I honestly don’t really know what I’m going to do. There’s so much work to be done. And yet, I’m writing on a blog that little to no people read. But that’s life, isn’t it.

MY OTP KISSED!!! In Once Upon A Time, I ship Emma Swan and Captain Hook SOOOOOO much and they kissed and they fit together so well just omfg. AND THEN HE SAID AS YOU WISH WHICH WE ALL KNOW MEANS I LOVE YOU FROM THE PRINCESS BRIDE OMFG I AM DYING ASDFGHJPILKNM 9OILKJMF GAAAAH

Okay, sorry, fangirling over.

I just thought I’d add that when you like my posts, it makes me feel SO happy. It lets me know that you like my thoughts, and maybe I’m not so bad after all.

 

I should probably get some homework done now.

Love,

Arkzuel

Holidays, swear words and elegancy.

6 Oct

It has been so long since I posted! Wow… Well, I apologise. I haven’t been able to go to the library lately, and I’m really reserved about posting from my home computer. But, it’s holidays now!!! The work is over (for now), and I am free to do whatever I want. Which is, of course, Tumblr, YouTube, and movies. Only, I was getting a little bored with Tumblr (only a little), and I’ve watched most of the videos of the people I’m subscribed to, and I am waaaay too lazy to find new people. Lately I’ve been watching PewDiePie, and I find him absolutely hilarious. But my favourite thing is when he gets shocked or scared in a horror game, and he starts swearing in Swedish. I’m learning French in school, and I decided it would be a brilliant idea to look up French swears! It’s been so fun. I’m gonna list some here, so if you don’t like swear words, then scroll past them or just leave this post :)

Merde- Sh*t

Oh putain de merde!- Holy f*cking sh*t

Manger de la merde- eat sh*t

Encule- F*ck off

Enculer une mouche- go f*ck a fly (My personal favourite)

Brûle en enfer- Burn in Hell

C’est quoi ce bordel?!- What the f*ck?!

There’s loads more, but they’re my favourites. If you think one of them is wrong, please leave a comment, so I don’t look like an idiot when I say them. :P

My grandfather came over yesterday to see my sister, since it’s her birthday tomorrow. Oddly enough, he gave me a beautiful gift. It’s an elegant pencil type thing that young women used to fill out dance cards at balls with!
Grandpa says that it’s pure silver, probably handmade, and nearly 200 years old. It has an amber stone at the top, and a round thing in the middle that slides down, revealing more silver and a tiny piece of lead. When it isn’t slid down (I don’t think that’s correct English,. but whatever), it’s 6cm, and when it is, it’s 7.5cm. It’s hexagonal all around, and each side has tiny engravings, just for decoration. They’re on all sides but two. Underneath the round slide-y thing is a small slit that takes up most of that section of the hexagon. It shows what slides down with the round thing. The other side probably engraved at one point, but it has all rubbed off. When I hold it (correctly-ish) my thumb rests on that rubbed part.
It is absolutely wonderful and I love it, although I’m not sure what to do with it. Grandpa said that he found it in the corner of a cardboard box, and that since I was the oldest girl in the family, it was mine. Gotta love the fact that I got a better present than my sister, and it was for her birthday. I’ve got her present. It’s a t-shirt from JayJays. It’s nice, but not my type at all. So she’ll probably love it. We have such different styles. It could be because I’m a fat branleur (wanker in french) and I hate my body, and she’s a skinny salope (b*tch in French) who exercises all the time, but it could also just be because she’s quite girly, and I… Well, I look up French swear words in my spare time.
I just remembered! I’m probably going to a Masketta Fall concert in a couple of weeks!!!
It’s an all ages concert, so Mum said I could probably go! Unless you count a Hi-5 concert I went to when I was 3, it’ll be my first concert ever. I’ll be going with a friend, and a couple of her friends that I don’t know. The ticket is $23.50, but I think I have just enough money for it, since I just went out and bought a new shirt and some jewelry for it. I’m still thinking about how I’ll do my hair, but I might do it in a bun. If you have any ideas, please leave a comment. I’m getting a haircut on Wednesday, so I’ll have shoulder length, wavy-ish hair. I get hot really easily, so I probably can’t have it down…

Anyway, love you all, and I’ll try to post more often.Love,
Arkzuel

The un-abandoned blog

5 Sep

I’m sorry!!! I know I haven’t posted in a while! I went to Bali just as the teachers piled a whole bunch of assignments on us, so ever since I got back, I’ve been flat out working!!! I’m still pretty behind, but I stopped giving a shit about 3 days ago. I have a math assignment, a S.O.S.E assignment, an english assignment, plus science, math and French tests to study for. And let’s not forget just normal homework!!! Uggghhh.
I’ll post about Bali next week, I think. I have shit to do for teachers I like.
This was mainly a post to let you know THIS BLOG ISN’T ABANDONED!
Love,
Arkzuel

Back to School…

25 Jul

So! I’m back to school… And it sucks. I got a religion assignment on my first day back! Ugh, she’s such a bad teacher, it’s not even funny.

I’ve hit an ultimate low. I was reading a book yesterday, and I had only just began. It started off by the Dad leaving the family for another woman. I BURST INTO TEARS AND COULD BARELY READ THROUGH MY TEARS FOR 10 MINUTES. Like, what the hell?! Anyway, I’ve been feeling crappy ever since, and I swear I keep seeing things that aren’t there. Like, I was in my room, getting my guitar, and I swear I saw something small, like a bug, run behind my bin. I’d assume that I left my room too messy again, except: No. 1: My room hasn’t actually been too bad lately, most of the stuff moves from my bed to my desk chair, hardly anything is on the floor; and No. 2: IT WAS GREY. I still wasn’t game enough to check, though, because what if it was a big grey hairy spider?! But it’s been haunting me all day. And it keeps happening. I keep seeing small grey things running around in my peripheral vision! Sooooooooo weird. Anyway, with this low I’m having, I’ve noticed I get more sh*t done. Like, I’m not having fun anyway, so I might as well not have fun doing something I need to do. I eat less, which is good because I want to lose weight, I do my work, I don’t procratinate (as much). It’s weird. But I still have this sick feeling, like a burning, in my stomach, almost reducing me to tears. I’ve tried drowning it by drinking a lot of water, I’ve tried squashing it by squeezing myself (it sounds weird but it’s not) and i’ve tried ignoring it. NOTHING IS WORKING. I can’t even strectch it out.

Anyway, writing about this makes me think about it, so what else to write about…

Sometimes I think I’m really selfish because I don’t like school and it’s probably just hormones making me feel bad, because some kids are praying they can go to school and some girls (and boys too, though not as much) are actually depressed and have a legitimate mental illness. It just confuses me though, because aren’t I just as important as them? I don’t know. Thinking about moral things makes my head hurt. Right is right and wrong is wrong, yeah? But is it? What if something bad could lead to something good, or something good could mean something bad will happen? Stupid “big picture”, messing up my head. -.-

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Love,

Arkzuel

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